Concrete flecks, tarmac lumps

imageNew Year’s Day: January 1, 2015: time to start over, forcing my complaining body all the way back until it hits the beginning and shoves me back. I shudder… With 2014 only just in bed, I’m not sure I can bear to get up and join just yet, especially with an unfamiliar partner.

14 was the biggest dick; worse than 12 and 13 combined. I suffered; I wept; I was beaten. Eventually… I turned black. His breath sour, his mood cruel: his hands were tough. Already weak from subsequent years, the result of an assortment manifesting and then landing, I slipped, falling to the floor where (vaguely comfortable) I stuck.

Examining the surface: concrete flecks, tarmac lumps, the smell of winter; dog pooh, tramps’ piss, restaurant trash; crisp packets, beer cans, chocolate wrappers… this place is dirty. I miss the meadow: flowers, trees, shorn grass; a small pool full of clear water. Searching for my body beneath the layers: I am unsure if it still exists. I imagine shunning clothes, stripping off, slipping naked and getting wet; extending arms, flapping feet, propelling stomach and chest; travelling…

What if 15 proves to be more of the same…? What if he’s worse? Do I really have it in me to face another one down? And how many times can I court and connect, consecrate and pledge, only to then be rebuffed?

Sitting in an unfamiliar chair in a friend’s kitchen, surrounded by the aftermath of last night (torn tablecloth, scattered chairs, dirty floor; sticky counters, stained glasses: wine, cocktail, shot; plates and cutlery; sweaty cheese, dry biscuits, dehydrated stew…), I’m struggling with vertical, failing to stand up.

Drinking slowly, minimally; sticking to red; rejecting gin, vodka, champagne… a pot of chamomile by the bed: I presumed myself safe. With the departure of youth, the hangovers get worse… Things hurt: liver, kidney, gut. The pain isn’t worth the disturbance. I live in fear and drink with caution, preferring to sip like a sparrow rather than lap like a cat. And yet, somehow, I have ended up with a thick head and a swollen stomach and I can’t seem to wake up.

Dragging my legs onto a train, stealing my eyes tight shut, I hold my dog gently: stroking, drifting… Dreaming of an island, scanning the landscape for familiar things; missing people, places: I visit with friends… : Peter and Jane, Uncle Jack. Scared, uprooted, restless: it helps.

Unsure or where I am, what I am, how I am going to do it… I long for a routine. But where the hell is home these days? And what happened to feeling grounded and connected?

Bereft; left: I am all alone.

by Rebecca L. Atherton

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