Morning has broken

imageLast night’s dinner covered in ants.
The metal contraption that cooks in various shades of black.
Dirty plates, empty cups.
A girl with broken eggshells in her lap.

The snake of uncertainty.
A spider without legs.
A dust mote, a cockroach,
a senile cat.

The hive of a head.
The blue beneath.
Paper birds.
Hide and seek.

Tripping over objects.
Impatient feet.
The man in the photograph.
A final receipt.

by Rebecca L. Atherton

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No man’s land

image
The stupid little car had a habit of letting her down, right when she needed it the most. Take this morning, for instance: she had an important meeting to get to followed by lunch with a friend, and yet here she was in the middle of nowhere waiting for a man in a yellow suit to show up. It was almost as though someone had it in for her. Although, after everything she had been through, she somehow doubted that.

Perhaps the car was worried she’d leave it behind when she left, the cost of shipping outweighing the cost of replacing it at her destination? Or perhaps the country was trying to keep her, albeit treading water in a halfway, half-real, no-man’s land? The irony had not escaped her. As much as she was reluctant to return to the past, for she had good reason to leave it, she needed this transition in order to progress. Without it, she would be trapped indefinitely, sinking deeper and deeper into a hole she lacked the energy to vacate.

by Rebecca L. Atherton

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The strip of sticky happiness

“All too often, we know we are happy only when we no longer are.” ~ Robert Zaretsky

Happiness is like having a plaster over a wound: it protects it from incurring further damage, it stops it from hurting any more, and (if we are lucky) it also lets it heal. Papering over the cracks, it – the plaster, the strip of sticky happiness – allows us to forget, temporarily escaping what had become our reality before it showed up. Filled with renewed energy, partially restored, our spirits rise and we are filled with the desire to externalise ourselves again. Motivated, inspired, we are more productive, doing and achieving where previously, recently, in the interlude of damage, of detriment, we failed. In this enlightened period, we crave interaction and we seek out company, enjoying mixing with the public and meeting with friends. People seem nice, where we live friendly, our work less of a chore. Even our problems seem less distressing than they did. So what about our bad back, our bruised foot, our estranged friend and our sick relative? So what about the job we hate, our financial worries and the debt we have somehow incurred? So what about the darkness in our heads, the sadness in our hearts, the anxiety in our shoulders and the anger in our stomachs? So what about the fact that daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, we are barely functioning, literally clinging on to the edge of a cliff face that has become increasingly hard to see of late? None of this matters, at least not half so much. The sun is shining, the temperature is favourable, we have just had coffee with a friend, and this afternoon we plan take a leisurely lunch, swim, then read and meditate. Before all but forgotten, we embrace this respite, only realising too late how temporary it was.

At least I do, because this is the story of my life. And it is only in the down times – times like these; times when I can’t think, can’t do, can’t even speak without stumbling and falling – that I realise how doing and having are not something that I own but gifts I intermittently borrow from a far off place, somewhere I once knew but now only glimpse at.

What is happiness and where does it come from? And how does one, once one figures that out, pin it down?

Like stones flung into a pond, these questions are wishes lost in the darkness of weed and scale. Happiness is sporadic, unpredictable and rare. It comes from nowhere and disappears just as completely, leaving one drowning in space. My life is devoted to its pursuit. My every effort, every attempt, every motivation, action, dictated by my desire to hold it for longer and tighter the next time around.

If I am to succeeded in finding the answer to the problem that plagues me, I must learn to receive graciously and give back without complaint. If I could study and explore it, entering into in order to remain; maybe then I could achieve more and better like the results?

In the meantime, the road is full of potholes and there are obstacles to navigate; the mountain is looming and the steps too steep to contemplate. In other words, in spite of what they say: the future is not bright or orange, but rather rather dark and black.

This is the birth of a new chapter, an unforeseen fork in the meandering journey of my life, a narrative spanning from a to b, with a being the beginning place that didn’t work out, that constantly disappointed and injured despite my best efforts, and b being the place where I am supposed to end up, the place I would have begun in had something not become tangled right near the start, diverting me and everything about me to an entirely different somewhere else.

I feel like I am standing on yet another threshold, contemplating a beginning I didn’t anticipate, and, like a rabbit in headlights, there is nothing I can do about it. The car is coming towards me, I am central to the road, we are going to interact. The question is: what will result? A bloody mess and a trip down under? Or an enlightened sojourn in which much is done? I am aiming for the latter, conscious that to fall apart now would be both dangerous and damaging. But what if I can’t? What if, instead, I trip or sink?

I am trying to plot the next step, attempting to put things into action to accommodate me when I arrive: searching for groups, looking for classes, signing up for lectures and talks, picking out workshops and courses I might take if they are affordable, of brief duration and at a suitable time. But it’s hard to find the right mixture: the things that are inspiring, the ones with respectable looking leaders and teachers, the events and gatherings that occur during the day. I’ve spent a long time researching and yet my efforts do not amount to a whole lot. I feel defeated and this sense of failure, or not getting very far, is sapping my energy and motivation for everything else. Mornings are painful and progress is slow. I look at what I have achieved and uniformly hate it. Afternoons, I burn out, mostly sleeping. I feel hopeless and useless and I am annoyed with myself. Where is the me of yesterday who had so much to do and not enough time to get it done, the me who wanted the day to be longer so that I might be more prolific? I’ve gone from working effortlessly and joyfully to dragging myself along and I am miserable and grumpy.

I miss my old self and I want her back. I need her courage and her determination. If I am to survive this next leap, this unforeseen interlude into a grey and open space, this cold and dark place I sought to escape, I must have a bag of resources and all of me must be my friend.

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For the love of Chi

IMG_6018I keep harping on about my chihuahua, Miabella and of the importance of her to my work. And it occurred to me that she really ought to have her own page; that it wasn’t fair otherwise. So this is Mia’s personal page.

Here I will post doggy anecdotes, funny chihuahua happenstances and cute and cuddly images. Be sure to check back often to keep up. And, if you happen to have a chihuahua of your own, or any four-legged companion for that matter (because I love all animals as a rule, apart from, perhaps, the creepy ones), feel free to send me your stories and photos. Us animal lovers are all the same: mad about our cuddly counterparts.

Photo Journal:

Six weeks old

8 weeks: the prettiest eyes

I’ve only had Mia for two weeks. She is a scant eight-weeks-old today. She was a only six weeks when I got her. Too early, really, but the breeder told me it was ok. It was only afterwards that I found out she should have stayed with her mother for at least another fourteen days. Poor thing: she misses her and cries at night. Still, she is instantly at home in my two-up, two-down Victorian semi in Sevenoaks (Kent, England) and we immediately become inseparable; a state we have maintained ever since.

Intended to help see me through a bereavement, that of my beloved grandmother (whom I loved deeply and admired just as much): she is my sole focus, the equivalent of a comfort blanket to my soul.

7 weeks old

7 weeks: a proper little cub

Ok, so she’s already being spoilt rotten and immediately has three beds (Cath Kidston, because I’m obsessed), and that’s just the official ones. On top of that, she has a bed in a drawer at my desk (because she likes to sit near me and cries when I put her on the floor), a space in my bed for afternoon reading and snoozing (very important stuff: I do my best thinking here), a corner of the main sofa for evening TV (we watch two hours: A place in the sun and an American series – Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Ghost Whisperer, Dexter, Lost, 24, etc…) and a blanket under the kitchen table for when her elder(s) are at dinner (although in all honesty, she prefers my lap and usually wins).

I have also recently discovered the website Pet London and gone mad. This is like the cutest shop I have even seen. It’s positively dangerous. Already, I’ve spent too much. She has chihuahua-shaped everything: chew toys, rope toys, plush toys, treats, etc… A baby blue cashmere jumper, a pale blue suede lead with tiny yellow ducks and Swarovski diamantés and a matching collar. Next, I’m planning a tartan winter coat with white fur trimming, a bedtime t-shirt, and several jumpers and dresses, all of which I have already picked and added to my list. The rest of the world, meanwhile, thinks I have gone mad. And quite rightly so.

About a year old

1 year: beneath the duvet

Bed is Mia’s favourite place, so long as it’s mine and not hers. She likes nothing better than to lord it up on the mattress, surveying the carpet kingdom below. Every afternoon she snuggles up in the crook of my arm while I read, both of us deliriously happy.

After having survived the first nine months, which were a shock to my system never having had a puppy before and being quite unprepared for the amount of work involved, I am truly a ‘plus one’ and loving it. She is, I have decided, my surrogate child. And for now, if not forever, the option I prefer. Real babies are a decision for the future with tangled threads attached. I’m not sure if I am strong enough, well enough or brave enough to go there, or if I have the time to get there before that decision is made for me.

Five years old, same day

5 years: a lap of luxury

Mia likes to travel in style. None of that crate business or belt on the back seat business for her. She insists upon the front and my lap. And she has to be lying in exactly the right position or she’s not happy: sprawled directly across me; her head on one arm, her bottom on the other. Great for her. Slightly uncomfortable for me, especially when I am supposed to be knitting.

Five years old

Same age, day, car, lap

Just before we park up and disembark at one of our favourite morning haunts. Today my desk is a Mallorcan café in Port Adriano, to the west of the island. The view, a panorama of expensive boats. Some are as big as villages. Some have heliports on top. All have staff. I’ve never seen anything like it before, even in St. Tropez.

Mia's favourite place in the world, beside my lap.

Mia’s favourite place in the world, beside my lap.

This is Mia’s bed, or her main one anyway. She actually has a few. One is a suedo-armchair meant for toddlers, which she sits in like a throne. One is a regular pillow covered in a cashmere jumper that, accidentally for me because I loved it, shrank in the wash. Another is her crate, which Mia loves and insists upon, regardless of all attempts to remove it. This is actually where she sleeps (her choice) and where she rests when I go out (also her choice). And there are her two Cath Kidston beds, my favourites, currently slumbering in storage.

Looking serene and regal on my lap...

Looking like butter wouldn’t melt…

Mia likes to come out with me as often as she can, sleeping quietly on my lap while I work. As a breed, chihuahua’s sleep a lot: around 18 hours a day. I used to worry about this until I researched it. Now I understand it is her choice: she is a creature of whim and does what, in the moment, feels right. When she’s not sleeping, she’s running around at 100 m.p.h or licking something.

...but unable to keep her eyes open for long. Oh to be a chihuahua

…but unable to keep it up

This photo and the one above it were taken in Gibson, one of my favourite cafés. I love it for the art on the walls, the avante-guarde furniture, the people it employs and the music they play. Situated in the centre of Palma, it is right in the heart of where it is all happening. A great place for watching the world go by.

Pretty in Pink

Pretty in Pink

Another day, another day trip, this time to a nearby village called Binnisalem to meet with friends for coffee. Because it was such a lovely hot day, we sat outside. While the grown-ups talked about boring grown-up stuff, Mia entertained herself attempting to intimidate a Doberman. Typically, the minute it advanced, fed up with being bullied by a scrap, she hid behind my feet, leaving me to deal with the the fallout. Luckily, there was a kindly owner at hand to save the day and the only damage was to my dignity.

• Because I am not the only doting dog owner and because I am in good company, some of it distinguished, I have assembled a collection of dog-related quotes. Click here to read them and feel free to email me with your own favourites.

imageTo keep up to date with my progress and receive a copy of my newsletter, send me your email address.

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